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06 September 2016 @ 10:27 pm

You see my posts on facebook saying that I'm unhappy but you don't say anything because in this world everyone is unhappy.

I remember the taste of the barrel of a gun in my mouth.

You remind me that life is hard.

I say I just want a partner.

You remind me that there are no partners.

I remember the taste of the barrel of a gun in my mouth.

You remind me that the world requires each of us to be alone.

I ask that my world not be that way.

You suggest that I be more realistic.

Nothing is more realistic than the taste of gun oil.

20 August 2016 @ 12:58 pm

In last night's dream I was somewhere between 10 and 12 years old and I was not me.... I was a different boy, this boy had a brother who was about 2 years younger than him. We had left our father's home where we lived (the dream never explained why our mother wasn't in our lives, he was a single parent) to visit our aunt. Now, when I say we, I mean myself who was not me, and my dream brother who was not my brother... again, this was a strange thing of almost stepping into someone else's life that has too many shades of my own...

Our aunt was exactly as you'd expect a Disney witch to be, she was old, and wrinkly, walked hunched over with a cane and crotchety, but she lived in a giant beautiful house and we were excited to go stay in a mansion. Our aunt in the dream much like everyone else was no-one I have ever known in my real life.

We were jumping on the bed in excitement at visiting this big amazing place when she came into the room to inform us our father had died and we both fell to the bed in shock. Dead? How could he be dead? He was everything, he was our world, it had always just been him and us against the world and now we were alone. She then abruptly proclaimed that she was not going to be "Saddled with us" and turned and left the room.

In the coming days no-one would tell us how he died, they just wanted to bicker over what to do with us, some of them would say things like "I don't want to deal with children in my life, don't give them to me" while others wanted the insurance money or thought maybe they could get foster money from the state, each person had a different idea on what to do with us. Some wanted to split us up, some wanted to put us to work in factories or coal mines, some wanted to turn us over to the state, but none would listen to what we wanted.

I remember fighting, and crying, and trying so hard to be heard when really, I wanted to curl up in a ball to mourn my father but didn't seem to have the time. Eventually, we ran away.

The fight for survive continued, my brother my dependant, and the world against us and never time to just say good bye or an explanation of what happened.

Like so many dreams there was no resolution. I don't know what happened to alternate universe self, I just know he struggled, I know he felt alone, he felt like he couldn't give up because someone depended on him, he felt like the world was against him, and he felt like his responsibilities got in the way of his needs.

I mourn the life of alternate universe self who parallels my own world in so many ways.

07 August 2013 @ 07:55 pm
29 June 2013 @ 02:39 pm
So, what I really want is a dog door built into the wall with a pressure plate on it to keep the cat from going through it and to keep it solid sealed... but with the holiday coming up and fest coming up I need something to get through.

So, I built a temporary dog door in my kitchen door big enough for the Wook-Monster who is too big for the dog doors sold at pet smart...

Mark Helped me cut a hole in the door...

Built a wood frame to go in the hole....

The cool thing here is I used some wood I'd gotten for scrap from some people on craigslist a while back, I had planned to burn it in the fire pit.... but instead it because the basis of the dog door.

Then I went to Axe-Man's in St Louis Park to see if they had a usable flap.... I found this really cool mat that had been insulated like it was meant to be stood on in a garage. Grabbed some tools from Ace and I'm ready to go....

Then I cut down the mat and hung it in the frame...

But I screwed up... you see, when Mark made the hole it wasn't perfectly square, so, then my frame wasn't either.... and I had the frame turned side ways when I hung the flap, so the flap was not going to hang down but instead side ways.... I had to pull it out and put it back in the right direction, but then it was not shapped right and there was a big gap....

Soooo.... back to Axe-Man's where this cool couple with matching geek ink sold me yet another mat to cut up....

Back to work but then I realized it was 1pm and I'd been up since 7am and hadn't eaten so a stopped for a manly sandwich and beer....

Here I am mounting the new mat in the frame... will cut it down once it is hooked....


And then in the door....

And Then training the dogs...

Belle is too fast to catch mid way trough...

So, now I have a dog door that any small man can fit through, but, if you were looking to enter a house that had a door that size wouldn't you say to yourself "What on god's green earth could need a door that big, I think I'll skip this one."
17 June 2013 @ 10:43 am
Every relationship has it's own flavor and things that make it special. And there are some things that you think or do in one relationship that would never occur to you in another.

It took a lot of reviewing of relationships to really find one that I had thought was "forever"... to find a relationship in my history where I'd contemplated growing old together. Sure, I get it, I have so much of a personal history of abandonment it's hard to believe anyone would ever stick around but even I was shocked when I realized that the last time I thought a relationship was "forever" and had considered growing old together was Rachel when I was 17. That is a life time ago.... that is 24 years. That means that the memory of that relationship is not only old enough to drink at the bar but to roll it's eyes at the idiot 21 year olds that just got old enough to make themselves stupid.

I've been through two wives both of which were always about the right now, but this one, she was forever. I thought.

I had pictured her naked body and her body art through the filter of time and still found her attractive. I had visualized us holding hands on beaches and mountains and even saw happiness in her eyes holding our grand child.

I don't remember who told me when I was very young that "It is not the person you mourn the most in a lost relationship but your dreams of the future"... well, my dreams of a future were so much bigger than they had ever been here.

But, it wasn't just about the future, it wasn't the future that drew me to her (hell, I really thought she was a quick fling at first and she'd move on in under a month). It was a special spark, a spark that seemed to dim more and more the longer we were together. But I seem to do that to women, I suck the life right out of them. And it was the constant, every day moments of surprise happiness where one of us would say something and it would give the other absolute glee.

I'd had those moments of surprise happiness in a new relationship for a short time, but never consistently through out the relationship for 9 whole months.

To find a person who I felt such resonance with seemed like such a miracle, such a thing that seemed so very impossible that really I was shocked daily at just the concept.

Now, I find myself wondering. Was it real? or was it all just in my head. Was I fool? being taken for a ride? She has a long history of going from relationship to relationship and having others take care of her. Was I just another in that string? Has she just perfected that skill of making a man feel important until things stop being easy street then gets mad when the money runs out? Is that her pattern? Am I a chump?

Nothing about her in any of this shows any outward sign of her having any feelings. She is just gone.

I wanted so desperately for her to be a real person. I wanted to believe it was posible. I wanted to believe that I could find that love. I want to hate her.

I miss her touch.

I miss her smile.

I miss her squeal of glee.

I wish I were a better man because maybe I could of made it work if I were.
Now and then I think of when I missed the potty,
you said that you were so grossed out you could die,
Told myself you were alright with it
but it never was right to pee,
until you tied me up and took away my thingy

You can be sadistic in your own little sadness
can take these things beyond the end, beyond the end,
so when you got insensed
you said that you would take my friend
I'd of been happier to just be over

But, you didn't have to cut it off!
take a kitchen knife out and pretend your laura bobbit
you didn't have to take my thing
cutting and hacking in my special place
oh you cut me badly
I don't want to be like a ken doll
driving pink cars and hang'n with barbie

And now it's just a potty where I used to go
Some Potty!
And now it's just a potty where I used to go
Some Potty!
And now it's just a potty where I used to go

Now and thing I think of when you missed the potty
Part of me was believing you had lost your mind
but I don't want to smell that stuff
smells like amonya in my bathroom
you said you could aim it right
had to make my toilet into a potty where you used to go

But you didn't have to cut it off
Make me live life like a ken doll without a thingy
and now I'm so scared of knives
cus you used a kitchen knife and it hurt so much
I can't even stand to pee
I have to sit like a girl and it you did this
I guess I can can aim now but not for you
Now it's just a potty where I used to go

some potty!
(I used to go)
Some potty!
(Now it's just a potty where I used to go)

(I used to go)
(Where I used to go)
(I used to go)
Some potty!
28 November 2011 @ 07:34 pm
Because I haven't posted in a while and I amuse myself to no end by posting things that I find funny on other people's facebook walls where you can't see it I intend to share this one with those of you who still read this journal:

------------------------start cut-------------

My Friend posted a status update of "You're the light to my shine!"

To Which I responded:

oh, I get to be the light now? much better than being the vacuum... being the vacuum sucks... some day I aspire to be a much more interesting appliance.


I would like to file a complaint... in light of my recent promotion to light over being a vacuum I realized that being a light sucks too, and after conferring with my fellow lights have realized you have all been calling us by the wrong name all these years. We demand that hence forth you no longer refer to us as "Lights" but instead as "Dark Absorbers" and that our bulbs are no longer to be considered "Burnt Out" but instead "Full" when they stop working. If you do not adhere to our demands we already have agreements from the Kitchen Appliance Union and the garage tools Union to join our strike as we picket your home!

And then a little bit later:

In further news, "The Holy Order of Dark Absorbers" has entered into negotiations with the tribe of "Bedroom and Bathroom Appliances" we are confident that by the end of day they too will be in support of our cause.

----------------------------end cut----------------

Consider yourselves clued in on my own little personal moment of self entertainment.
20 September 2011 @ 12:15 pm
So on the radio this morning there was a song that talked about "Heaven" and it sent me thinking a lot about my belief systems or lack there of.

For example, the concept of Heaven just does not compute for me. If there is some great white haired man in the sky who is picking and choosing who goes to heaven (not by if they are good people or not but by if they worship him) and those people will be happy forever, well, how can that work? How can you be a good person who loves another person and be happy forever when that other person is burning in torment? The only answer is that you have been fundamentally changed to not be someone who cares anymore, and so, are you you? are you really happy? No, Heaven, doesn't make any logical sense to me....

And yet, one of the most powerful lines in any song anywhere for me is in the song "Walking in Memphis" when she says to him "Tell me are you a Christian child" and he says back "Ma'am, I am tonight"... I so get that, because I really want to believe in something greater that myself, be it god, Jesus, Mohamed, or The Great Spaghetti Monster... but my wish to believe is some times (for very short times) greater than my logic. This like NRE (new relationship energy) always passes and leaves me disappointed in the long run.

Sure, sometimes I look like I'm a believer when you are throwing your runes, or tarot cards or talking about spirits because it would be so much easier if those simple answers were really it... tell me you talk to spirits and most of the time I will smile and nod but to me it is no different than telling me that you believe in Santa Clause, I'm glad it makes you happy but doesn't work for me anymore.

Now, I'm not exactly an atheist either. I believe in E=MC^2. Which means all mass is energy in a solid state. Which means the entire universe is energy, and my own self awareness makes me know that energy can come together in an aware state so why would the larger body of the universe not have the ability to be self aware?

Also, in that, actions are embodiments of energy, which of course would have ripple effects if all the universe and all matter is energy. This is why Karma is easy for me to accept, it's just physics.

OK, I know your moment of argument here is going to be that if I say that we are all energy then that means ghost should exist and you should be able to talk to them... That would be a fine argument except the nature of energy and the universe is to move towards entropy and again I just can't see how if self aware energy could exist without taking form of mass why we would ever need to take mass in the first place. This ordering of energy to mass has to have a reason, not to mention that energy can not be created or destroyed, so after a while, if the energy that is me were not recycled into the universe then there would be a lot of uses out there doing nothing and the universe would stagnate.

I listen to music which touches my soul because these people really believe these things and I wish I could, I just can't bring myself to do it.

This leaves me agnosticly lost... Some times I wonder how that state impacts other parts of my life, but I'm just to close to tell for sure.
23 May 2011 @ 02:53 pm
28 June 2010 @ 09:02 pm
In November of 2008 I bought a van for $700.... Heck of a deal.... the guy selling it was actually pretty ticked that it went that low.... he sold it on ebay with no limit hoping to get attention to the auction and a higher price.

Mark drove me out to pick it up (in Wisconsin about 2 hours away).

In August 2009 it was having trouble starting, figured it would need a battery. Took it into a mechanic and made a deal to barter a web site for some work. Well, because it was barter he didn't feel he needed to check with me before doing $2500 worth of work. So, then I got a bunch of front end parts in the van that I probably wouldn't of put into a van that was only $700 a year earlier. Oh well.

Then in November Mick is transporting a dog for the dog rescue group we were helping and the dog gets lose of where he is tied up and races to the driver's side of the car where he climbs under her feet because he is scared and lays down across the break and the gas at the same time revving the engine and blowing it.

Now, if this were just a van that I'd paid $700 for a year before and had no other work into it, and/or if the motor had blown through normal use I would of let it go. But at this point I know I've got new tires and all new front end parts so a refurb motor is only $1500 and that is about what another junker van is going to cost so at least I'm ahead with a refurb motor. So, get a refurb motor in day before leaving for Thanks Giving in Storm Lake (four and a half hours from home).

I drive to Storm Lake, and on the way back the transmission fails on the highway 2 hours from home.

So, get the tow to a mechanic, woody comes down and gets us, and we leave the van here.

Now, I have a decision to make. This guy is going to charge me $1600 for a transmision. Now, if I'd had it for a year for $700 I'd say "junk it" but I've now got $4k into the thing. And, again, replacing the van for $1600 would probably get me in a van with a lessor of a motor, not to mention front end parts, and tires.... Well... timing doesn't play well over the winter of me having the money at the same time he can find the part. So, every time I have $1600 he can't find the trannie, every time he can find a trannie I can't afford $1600. I'm about to let it go and write off the now wasted $4k when my friends say that they will buy the van for the $1600 if I get the trannie fixed.

So, ok, I spend the $1600 and get it fixed. Come down to pick up the van, get it 5 miles away from the shop and it dies on the side of the road. So, tow it back to the mechanic, who says he thinks it's the alternator, he replaced the alternator, but then there is a fuse that is still dead, replaces that and it works. So, really, it was probably the fuse but we still have a brand new alternator in the thing (another $300).

So, catch a ride down with a guy going to Oklahoma as far as Albert Lea (keep in mind I've already had someone pick me up there once, and then made another trip down there for the van a second time, this is the third time at this shop). I talk to the guy and say "Nothing against you but I really hope this is the end of our relationship." To which he says "No, offense, but the feeling is mutual".

Then he walks with me out to the van, as I start it and it starts making this horrible knocking noise. He turns back from his shop and tilts his head to the side like a dog does when it's confused. I hop out and say "Is it supposed to sound like that?".... 4 hours later I'm in a loaner car heading home without my van. But, wait, now the loaner car starts making weird sounds the minute I get to the highway. So I call him, he says to bring it back and swap it for another. So I do.

Then, as I'm pulling away AGAIN he calls me and asks me to come back again. He needed to show me the oil out of my engine. It is so full of metal shavings that it looks like metallic paint. After showing me shavings and shards from my engine he explains to me that the engine which I put in last November was worthless when it went in and that I was lucky that I made it to Storm Lake on that trip let alone back as far as Albert Lea.

The engine has a warranty but there is question if it is "6 months AND 6,000 miles" or if it is "6 months OR 6,000 miles". Also there is question as to if it covers labor. But, now he has the info on the warranty and he has the other mechanic's contact information. And I'm off again (in my second loaner car).

After two hours of driving thinking about this stuff all the way home I space turning off the cruise as I hit the cities so I get pulled over for 74 in a 55. Not only that but since I take custom vitamins that aren't marked in any way (which happen to be with me in the car) she verifies my address and confiscates them in case they are drugs and says she will be coming after me if they are. They are vitamins.

So, here I am, pulling up to my house, no van, no vitamins, and a speeding ticket in a loaner car to find that my living room has been trashed by a child who has spread her toys all over it because her den is too messy to play in. She has more space then anyone else in this house (bedroom, den, and bathroom all to herself) and she trashes my living room.

I did not handle it gracefully.

This has not been a good day.
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated