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26 March 2017 @ 09:00 am
I am the monster in her darkness  

I cry for her to love me.

She is done.

We've fought so much the last few weeks but it's it took me a while to realize this is unlike the fighting we'd done in the past.

I knew her sins going into this fight but I did not completly comprehend mine. If you start to take all the little things that seemed so petty that are her complains now about and assemblem them to a single entity that entity would be a cage. It would not be a cage of straight bars but more like an oversized iron maiden with sharp things poking in from all sides and her having to navigate the walls constantly. I build this cage. I built this cage with my fear. I'd fear she would do things that my heart couldn't take and instead of trusting her I made "rules" and "decrees" and tried to control the situation. Through her eyes I've been a monster.

I want to look back on all those things that were so important at various times and say they weren't that important, but at the time, to protect me from the things I feared she do I felt they were required. The were required because I had lost trust in her long ago and never regained it. Oh, I see her sins in our relationship, they are clear to me, but now so are mine. I don't know who's are greater, but in the end mine were enough to make me unforgivable. She has lived in darkness with the monster that is me.

She gets a text, her face lights up, she smiles like she used to smile for me and I pain. I miss her touch. I miss her smile. I miss her love and affection. These things were not as important as all that I just didn't know until I was looking back. I want to say it's her fault because she didn't push back on those things. I honestly believe many of the building blocks of her cage would never have been placed there if as I picked up the block she said "No, that is not ok and was passionate about it." I could use this belief to blame her but no, that would be wrong, I'm still the one who picked up the building block and added it to the cage as monsters are want to do.

I'm done fighting, I'm done bargining, I'm done believing she will relent on this stance of apartness. I've been done for about a day now. I had held up home that like so many other fights that looked like the end of us this one would just be a pressure valvue release, it was not, and expecting it to be that completly misses the point that we should have managed the pressure better.

We sat on the couch last night and watched TV together. We did not fight. The fight was out of us both. It was calm and natural and felt like many days we've had over the last few years. I was sad for a moment to see that go, to know this comfortable familiar nest was going to be nomore and it was my fault, I'm also a little scared about this future I'm choosing because I'll be doing it alone, it would have been easier with her with me, but probably healthier alone. I can shed the skin of the monster alone on the road.

I worry about the kid. I hope she will be ok, but she has picked her path as well. Have I abondoned her by not staying and working and enabling her dreams or am I making her stronger by giving her a chance to stand on her own feet? Am I a different kind of monster for my child, one that never gave her a chance to do for herself because I was always too afraid of hurting her to let her struggle enough? Am I the monster that oppressed my own child's growth?

I have a guitar to love again. I have my fire toys. I'll have the dogs (the kid would but it's not feesable for her). I'll have books to read, and I phone to facebook. I'll not be alone, I'll just be without the one person who is always there to reasure me that I'm the most important person in their life and I have purpose. I hope to find purpose again in this walk about, a purpose that leaves the monster behind.

I have my fantasies about how this plays out in the end, but they are just fantasies, they aren't real. They distract me from truths that need to be held and cuddled and nurtured who in turn when fully grown will become a guide through the next labrynth. There is always a monster in the labrynth though, and if you don't hear it's foot steps it's still you.

I can't say if her new relationship will last, and it's not my place to speculate, but I hope some day she can look back on our times together and see the things she loved about me that gave her reason to allow me to build the cage rather than just seeing me build it. I hope she remembers the man, not the monster.

I could have changed, I could have made this better, I could have worked through it. I just needed her perspective clear enough to understand it, and her patience to make it happen. But, monster's eventually lose the right to patience, because eventually, the person being attacked by the monster must just get away from it. I might have shed the moster with her, or I might have settled back into old paterns, but I will shed it alone if I must.

I was a monster on the job as well. "Bad Culture Fit" really means "We don't like you" and again, by the time I was starting to grasp the issues it was too late. I'm not such a bright monster, I keep seeing my monster ways just too late.

I wish to be monster no more.