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25 March 2017 @ 08:55 am
more trying  

She keeps telling me it's too little too late. She keeps telling me she doesn't believe I'm changing. She keeps telling me she doesn't trust me. She keeps telling me I used up all her love and it's gone. Yet I keep trying.

The problem is that when I don't have answers to questions that plague me the deamons speak up, they give me their answers and I struggle to find other answers but sometimes the other answers are impossible to find and when those voices come through and she says "you are wrong" I beg her to give me a different explination or paradigm and she just lookes like me like I'm a monster. She won't tell me how or why I'm wrong and I'm stuck with it trying to fight it alone with no tools.

And then, worse yet, when I open up and tell those who care about me that these are my thoughts they lash out and feed the deamon with their anger at her in my behest. I never asked for you to be mad at her, I asked you to help me, and the help I need is to help me pick the right sword to fight the deamon who tells me why this is not ok. When you get indignant on my behalf all you do is feed the deamon. I'm trying to find love. I'm trying to find balance. I'm trying to find connection.

Don't say "you could do better" or "you don't deserve that" because I know that for me she is the better, I know that we get what we deserve in this life because we bring it upon ourselves. Tell me "here is one way to look at it from her side", remind me that I love her and I'm just hurting. Don't fan the flames that I don't reall want in my heart.

She says there is no going back, and I keep stepping over the line the wrong direction, but once it's done I can't undo it, all I can do is draw a line in the sand across the path I've already crossed and say "that was yesterday, today I willl do better"

If you are my friend you will help me do better not feed the deamon.

I'm stilly trying.