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24 March 2017 @ 09:56 am
Not Running Away, Running Towards  

Q: Why this sudden change?

A: It's not sudden.

Q: You can make so much money working tech in the bay area.

A: Money isn't everything, I finally get that saying now, it's not just rhetoric.

When Raven was just transitioning from Jr High to High School I could see the begining of the end. I love her and want the best for her and wanted to take care of her, so I've done the best I could to do that, but with school going soon, I knew that I would soon not need to live a "normal life".

When I'd had that thought I was still "The Frog Guy" and I couldn't wait every year for Ren Fair seasons so that I could crouch on counters and make people scream ribbit, and I could flirt with random women and they would be excited that I was doing it, and I could make children smile. I knew I was the best "Frog Guy" anywhere because my boss had told me, he ran this booth all over the country, and because I became an attraction to a select few, the people who come to me weekend after weekend and tell me "You were on my list of things to do." So, back then, at the begining of the end I started envisioning a life on the road follow this boss from fair to fair flipping frogs.

Then, when she was in High School I fell into this fire act and I was on stage again, it's like the difference between eating a piece of candy and eating a piece of cake and a new dream was born. Take the act on the road (soon as we are free of legal obligations to the ex wife). The kid was on board with this plan.

But then my dreams were tested, I had a year left before she was 18, a year and a half until she finished collage and I was offered a job in California that would have been a dream job for the kid I was 30 years ago and it paid twice the best income I could make in MN. So, a new version of the plan hatched quickly. Sell the car and buy a truck, go to CA, earn lots of money and go on the road in style instead of with a beat up piece of shit. But, still the dream was always the road.

But while working the job that was enabling me to prep for the dream I started to get feedback from my wife and child who I thought were onboard that they weren't. They had become comfortable in a life where I was responsible for their survival and living in the bay area. I started saying things like "I could get a work remote job and do this on the road" but they weren't having it. My dreams were no longer in alignment with the people I loved. This is a pretty depressing realization.

But now, at this moment, when all ties are in cutting position I've got my knife out.

This wasn't sudden, it wasn't over night, it isn't running away from being a responsible adult, it's running towards the life I've craved for years and letting people who want to make different choices make them without me taking care of them, and I hope, that like at the end of Kafka's Metamorphisis that they find happyness in their own independence.

Of course they are both welcome to join me in my travels, but then they are living my dream not theirs and I'm not convinced they'd be happy like that. I'll leave the door open but try not to press.

I am running towards happiness.