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24 March 2017 @ 09:02 am
struggling with deamons  

I've always said I struggled with deamons, I lied.

It wasn't really a lie, it's like when I thought "hyper tention" meant being super stressed and tense, I just didn't know what it means.

Now here we are, the deamons of my distant past thrust on me, the deamons of my recent past thrust on her. I'm so sorry. I can so clearly see the things I failed.

I say I'm sorry, she looks at me blankly like she doesn't believe me then gives a grudging thank you for my appology.

I say I'm going to change, she doesn't believe me.

I say I'll be different, she say's it's too little too late.

I say I want to kiss her and she says "you don't like to kiss", but I did, I did like to kiss, I stopped liking kissing because it made me vulnerable to women who said they loved me but I was sure didn't. I stopped kissing because it was too intimate. I stopped kissing because it opened my heart too much and made me feel too close.

I beg her to start over with me. She won't.

Now I struggle with deamons. Before I had no idea.

Before, it was like walking through deep mud where the deamons were the mud, I wasn't struggling with them, I was struggling with my life because of them.

Now, when she says these things that cut me to the quick the deamon is there claiming "She doesn't love you, she never did, she won't go with you because you are not going to provide for her anymore" and it is time to change my pattern so instead of holding back that deamon or letting it lose and echoing it's words (neither of which is really struggling with it) I have to take a moment in my head to correct it. Tell it that it's wrong. That is struggingly with your deamons, that is fighting them, tell them they are wrong. "No Deamon, she did love me, she loved me enough to put up with my shit for a long time"

I wan't to kiss you.
No You Don't.
Can I kiss you anyways?

She is myered in her own deamons. I know that, and her choices and struggles are hers.

But, now, when I say I struggle with deamons it means I'm activly fighting them, not just struggling to exist in a world that has them.