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21 March 2017 @ 12:04 pm
How I got here and my Reinventing  

Long ago I suffered enough pain that I couldn't sit still, I had to move. So, I did, I ran away from my life, I took a back pack and traveled, we will call it "an adventure".

During that time I met a woman I was so drawn to that I couldn't stand to not be with her, I wanted her more than I wanted breath and I didn't know why. I know now that it's a reflection of my own tramas that she represented. But she was always just out of grasp. Until the day in Cedar Rapids at a stop light she pointed to a tricked out truck and said "See that truck, that is why I won't marry you, you can't buy me that" and I thought "Money? That is what is between me and the woman I love, I can do that" and I went from being a paupper to making a 6 figure income in under 2 years and married her.

After that there was a baby, and I needed to stay on track with jobs and such to make sure the baby was fine, and then eventually there came my 3rd wife when the baby was grown who did not want to leave the life I'd built. She craved stability while I craved escape. I resented her for that and would tell her she was using me for my money and that she didn't really love me. These are the phrases that drained the love from her and sent her from me.

Now, I don't know if I was truely happy on the road, when I look back it seems like I was, but I'm just not sure, but what I do know is that every time I think about lots of money I think I'll get just enough to travel and entertain and use the rest to help my family. I worry about my brother, and my daughter, and my sister, and my nieces and nephews and my mom, and I feel that because I have this capacity to earn it's almost irresponsible of me to not do it, and yet, it makes me misserable.

Sure, I'm good at it, and sure I can find excitement in it and challenges, but that doesn't mean it makes me happy, it just means I'm making the best of the situation.

So, that's it, there are two ways to be free in this world, have so much money that you never make a decision based on money, or have no responsibilities. She doesn't love me anymore, the kid is grown, it's just me and the critters.

Time to return to vagabonding at least for a bit.... I might write some apps or something, I might just perform, who knows.