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17 June 2013 @ 10:43 am
End of Forever  
Every relationship has it's own flavor and things that make it special. And there are some things that you think or do in one relationship that would never occur to you in another.

It took a lot of reviewing of relationships to really find one that I had thought was "forever"... to find a relationship in my history where I'd contemplated growing old together. Sure, I get it, I have so much of a personal history of abandonment it's hard to believe anyone would ever stick around but even I was shocked when I realized that the last time I thought a relationship was "forever" and had considered growing old together was Rachel when I was 17. That is a life time ago.... that is 24 years. That means that the memory of that relationship is not only old enough to drink at the bar but to roll it's eyes at the idiot 21 year olds that just got old enough to make themselves stupid.

I've been through two wives both of which were always about the right now, but this one, she was forever. I thought.

I had pictured her naked body and her body art through the filter of time and still found her attractive. I had visualized us holding hands on beaches and mountains and even saw happiness in her eyes holding our grand child.

I don't remember who told me when I was very young that "It is not the person you mourn the most in a lost relationship but your dreams of the future"... well, my dreams of a future were so much bigger than they had ever been here.

But, it wasn't just about the future, it wasn't the future that drew me to her (hell, I really thought she was a quick fling at first and she'd move on in under a month). It was a special spark, a spark that seemed to dim more and more the longer we were together. But I seem to do that to women, I suck the life right out of them. And it was the constant, every day moments of surprise happiness where one of us would say something and it would give the other absolute glee.

I'd had those moments of surprise happiness in a new relationship for a short time, but never consistently through out the relationship for 9 whole months.

To find a person who I felt such resonance with seemed like such a miracle, such a thing that seemed so very impossible that really I was shocked daily at just the concept.

Now, I find myself wondering. Was it real? or was it all just in my head. Was I fool? being taken for a ride? She has a long history of going from relationship to relationship and having others take care of her. Was I just another in that string? Has she just perfected that skill of making a man feel important until things stop being easy street then gets mad when the money runs out? Is that her pattern? Am I a chump?

Nothing about her in any of this shows any outward sign of her having any feelings. She is just gone.

I wanted so desperately for her to be a real person. I wanted to believe it was posible. I wanted to believe that I could find that love. I want to hate her.

I miss her touch.

I miss her smile.

I miss her squeal of glee.

I wish I were a better man because maybe I could of made it work if I were.